Thursday, July 21, 2011

.my love, Niyaz.

today marks exactly one month.

i miss you, son.

yes, our baby was a boy.

we named him Emir Niyaz Bin Dzul Azwardi Shah.

well, i couldnt sleep last night but thinking of him. i cried so much thinking of all the wonderful things that could have happened. Many people say..
"insyaAllah rezeki akan ada lagi lepas ni, tawakal banyak banyak, sekurang kurangnya dah ada anak kat syurga yang berzikir untuk Suya and Adi"

and yes, honestly, i do envy friends who are pregnant. talking about their pregnancy stories and experiences and such. at times i cant bear it at all but most times, i just have to be strong enough though tears pool in my eyes and heart breaks into pieces.

the day i 'delivered' Niyaz, i was in sort of labour pain though not exactly like it because my baby was just about 14 weeks old. i asked the Dr. if thats the kind of pain women feel when giving birth, and she said no, it is more painful because the baby is way bigger than mine.

well, i had contractions. i tried so hard not to cry but i did because it was really painful, such pain i've never felt before plus, knowing the fact that my baby was coming out before time. at the time, i couldnt imagine what the baby will look like or even myself. but when the time came, when Niyaz actually came out, he looked real. his face, his hands, fingers, body, legs, thighs, knees, eyes, ears, nose.. they all looked real i couldnt believe my eyes. and it was clearly seen that he was a boy ;)and he looked calm like he was soundly asleep.

my heart dropped, both hubby and i were speechless and both broke into tears.

i had to go through more procedures but was discharged from the hospital around 3pm. we went back home and hubby accompanied by two of his good friends went to Tanah Perkuburan Islam Balok to bury our baby.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

.this is hard.

this is really hard.

i have been wanting to write everything about it but i didnt have the strength to do so. i have never felt this way about writing. usually i am being plain lazy and started to blame being inspiration-less.

today, being home alone, i started to look back to the places i've been avoiding for.
i started to do a recount to the events and finally found a whole lot of courage and strength to write.

i then realised how important it is to write about it. to tell people about it. to remember about it and to look back at it over and over again. it makes me even stronger to live my life and face life consequences.

honestly, i would say my whole 13th week of pregnancy was tough. i wrote about it in my previous posts. in summary, i was not me. i changed and my husband had a really difficult time adjusting to it. he's brilliant though. and i am extremely happy and blessed to have such a wonderful husband to live my life with. i am forever thankful.

On Tuesday, June 13th, i woke up in the morning and started to get ready for school. one of the usual thing i did was to look in the mirror to check out the growth of my tummy. however, on this day i noticed that it looked different. at the time, i couldnt make sense of it. i was fine throughout the whole day.

On Wednesday, June 14th, i received a package from Singapore that i was eagerly waiting for. it contained a milk bottle that i bought online. it was a joyous moment as that was actually my first online purchase for baby stuff. however, on that day as well i noticed a very light brown spotting when i went to the toilet. yes, i was panicked but i thought it could be old blood discharging.

at school the next day, i noticed a very very tiny drop of fresh red blood when i went to the toilet. that time i became really panicked, grabbed my bag and went off to the clinic. i called Adi to inform him what was happening. i didnt have to wait long when my turn came. as usual, Dr. Azian was beaming to see me "Hi Teacher, how's everything?" (she was obviously referring to my dreadful morning sickness). we chatted for a little while, she was looking at my book checking the age of my pregnancy and all the regulars. i explained about the blood stain and she quickly did the scan.

"Suriana, i am sorry to tell you this but your baby's heartbeat has stopped."

at that very moment, i remember looking at Dr. Azian's eyes wanting to believe that was a lie. i was desperate to hear about strong heartbeats, to see the stretches or somersaults or forward rolls. I WAS DESPERATE.

Allah swt knows exactly how i felt at that very moment.
i did not shed a single tear..

Friday, July 1, 2011

.come to me.

Dr.Martens 1460 Boot

i promise i'd wear you with anything.

With love,
Suya Aminuddin